Boundaries 101: People Pleaser Edition

Better Late Than Never

At 37 (nearing 38), this is the first time I've ever cared about having a nice room. That's pretty telling in itself, isn't it? It's not that I didn't want a nice room or my own space; I wasn't given the option, and/or my attention was elsewhere. However, looking back at things now, I felt like I couldn't do certain things because of the reaction I'd received from friends or my boyfriend at the time. I didn't understand what it meant to set boundaries in the past. I'm sure I still don't have the full explanation, but I know it starts with one small step towards protecting yourself, defining who you are, and caring for your needs.

My room, believe it or not, resembles my boundary. I take pride in it, and it's one of the few things I have that no one can argue with me about. It's mine, let's start there. I choose what goes up on the wall, what furniture I want, and when to clean it. I see growth in myself because everything in that room -- I've built with my own two hands. To be proud of something, you have to do the work; no one can do it for you or hold your hand along the way - that's what we call a helicopter mom.

The time spent planning, doing the manual labor, and salvaging it when things go sideways are the building blocks of pride. There is only one way to experience that: when you accomplish and succeed with your plan. If you never see it through to the end, you have nothing to feel good about, you aren't growing, you lose confidence and faith in your decisions, and eventually you lose trust in yourself. The best advice I can give anyone reading this is never let someone else dictate your boundaries or interfere with whatever it is that you take pride in. Huge red flag if someone starts picking your boundary apart -- that's your cue to peace the fuck out.

I'm sure some are reading this expecting me to shit talk people and bitch about all the things wrong in my life, because that's the world we live in today. But who said I hate my life? Also, just because you may have had a rough start to the day doesn't define how tomorrow will go. I find that mentality to be so hysterical.

Example:

When you run out of gas and the car stops, is the car broken? No. Did the car just stop? Yep! So, after refueling, can you drive and go about your business? Of course you can! LOL. So, if you have a tough morning or a disagreement about something, are you broken? No. Are you just frustrated or down at the moment? Yes, obviously it's temporary. So why do people think one bad hour dictates the rest of the day? Well, that's simple; it's easier to say something was done to you, and you're not capable of doing the work to fix it. Rather than saying, "Damn this morning sucked, but I want to enjoy the rest of the day; and that is what I'll do". Do you know why that's usually avoided? People lack the ability to regulate their emotions and control themselves.

Anyway, shit talking is not why I'm here. So, if any of you came for that type of entertainment, you're shit out of luck.

People Pleaser

I think for most of my life, I've been a people pleaser. Does anyone know what that means? We'll come back to the definition in a little bit. As the resident people pleaser in the room, I got used to putting myself last and always making sure others were taken care of. I didn't understand the full effect on my life until a year ago. I was so agreeable, easy to get along with, never put up a fight, never pushed my opinion on others, boosted those around me to feel confident, validated others' perspectives and feelings, supported the ideas of others, and spread around as much positive energy as I could.

Who wouldn't love to have that person in their life, right? But, stop for a second and ask yourself if you have someone giving you everything you want - FOR FREE, no compromise, without any sacrifice -- why in the hell would you want to reciprocate? (Most wouldn't, and that's the issue with the world.)

So, the joke was on me.

Why Would I Want To Please People?

At that point, it dawned on me that I'm probably giving my energy to the wrong people. Sure, that sounds more like it. Not that I have an issue; it's them, not me. So, now I'm going about my people pleaser life, thinking if I find someone on the same page as myself, then this will work. However, I continued to miss one huge factor in this equation: what caused me to be like this?

On the one hand, I'm bragging about being agreeable and accommodating; on the other, I'm complaining about being mistreated. Huh, well, that's interesting. That said, as I refuse to fall in line with hypocrites, I decided to dive into my issues. I asked myself a slew of questions:

• Why would I want to please people? To be nice.

• Why would I want to be nice to people who haven't been nice to me? Because I'm caring.

• Why am I caring about someone who hasn't shown they care for me? Because I'm the bigger person.

• Why would I want to be the bigger person with someone who isn't caring or nice to me? I want them to like me.

Ding, Ding, Ding!!!

And now, we've hit the nail on the head. Great, but those questions were extremely obvious. What if you took that down a notch and made it less noticeable? On a smaller scale, let's say you're with people who have given you a reason to be nice, or they do care about you. Would that fall under people pleasing if you're more agreeable than they are?

Of course, it is. If one does more than the other, balance no longer exists. So, essentially, you have one who's super agreeable and the other can't even spell it. Now what? Well, for the people pleaser, they're shit out of luck until they open their eyes and realize they're getting the short end of the stick. But for the other party involved, they've got it good. What more do they want? So, as you see, nothing changes unless the people pleaser breaks all this down to finally acknowledge the reason isn't because of others' demands -- it's because the people pleaser so badly wants to be accepted, liked, cared for, and ultimately wants to be needed.

That sounds like shit, huh? Not really, actually; it's a part of human nature and wanting to be accepted. However, the shitty part is when you know you are in the presence of a people pleaser, and you refuse to compromise. That is what I call an asshole.

Boundaries: How? When? Where?

Trying to set boundaries has been a significant personal and professional issue in my life. I'm talking from 10 years to 10 hours ago, and I've more than likely mapped out my people-pleaser characteristics in more ways than you can count. There's nothing wrong with being a people pleaser; they just need boundaries to ensure they're putting the right person first.

Now, boundaries—this is where the people pleaser will more than likely crash and burn—holding the line. Let me start by saying that your audience isn't going to like your boundary or your line, so don't waste time trying to convince them, and remember why you're doing it. Never forget your "Why."

So, how does one set a boundary? Let's role-play, but first, you must understand what your boundary says to John Doe. It says, "No, because no, the reason being no, and so no, that's all I can do is no."

Do you see where this is going? No, not yet. Ok, hang in there. Here we go!

Action!

"No, John Doe, I will not make you green eggs and ham."

John Doe is going to be like, "Wtf? Why not?" Then you'll say:

"Because I am getting ready for work and don't like rushing."

John Doe will bite back with, "Well, you always made my green eggs and ham before." This next step is CRITICAL FOR THE PEOPLE PLEASER! You acknowledge John Doe's statement but then say:

"It doesn't matter what I did before. What matters is right now I no longer have time to make your green eggs and ham before work, John Doe."

End Scene!

John Doe will throw a huge sausage, egg, and cheese tantrum to force you into bending his way. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to "a non-agreeable John Doe."

DRMO: Here's The 411

DRMO: the four standard reactions from anyone on the receiving end of your new boundary.

1. Disapprove: Expect others to disapprove of your boundary. Basically, they don't like it. (That means you're attempting one.)

2. Resist: Expect others to fight you (Not physically unless they're cray, cray), and certainly contest this boundary. They're unsure why you're doing this, but they don't hesitate to fight. (This means you're trying really hard to hold on strong.)

3. Manipulate: Get yourself fully prepared to be mind fucked, any and every way you can think of. They will turn your logic upside down in 10 different ways from Sunday. (Now they believe you are holding your line, DON'T CRACK!)

4. Offend: This depends on what bothers you and who you're trying to set a boundary with. However, all you have to remember is that the second you feel hurt, offended, or disrespected following you setting a boundary, you've won.

   They are trying everything to make you change directions, including hurting your feelings.... because of what? YOU have decided they need to be slightly more agreeable to your needs. All you've done is give yourself the same support you've given them, so what's the problem? Are they so greedy that they can't share your support with you? Ok, fair enough. Are they going to give you some of theirs outright? No, wait, I'm confused.

   You've been providing all of your support and energy for free. When you try to just take a small percentage for yourself, they refuse to compromise, won't allow you to support yourself without putting up a fight, and, when it's all said and done, they have no intention of reciprocating what you've done automatically, without hesitation. That's perplexing.

   If you've managed to hold the boundary through this little exercise, it will get easier, but I hope you'll recognize it's not just about you being so agreeable. There's more to this.

Why Is John Doe Opposed To Compromising?

I don't have the answer as to why John Doe is refusing to compromise. I'd like to believe that not every John Doe intentionally refuses to do this. However, the ones who compromise deserve a round of applause!

No matter what anyone tries to say -- if you're lucky enough to have a people pleaser in your life, you better find a way to appreciate them. I can promise you -- whether you see it or know it, your life is astronomically better with that person because you best believe that people pleaser is doing their damndest to please everyone around them, including you. So, if you can't reciprocate or compromise, the least you can do is show consistent appreciation. You know those who are pleasing others at the expense of their well-being, don't be a dick.

People Pleaser: Someone willing to put others' needs before their own to please people or receive approval.

News Flash

If you've done anything to me that you feel guilty for, AND I am still here, sending you updates on my new blog because I'm super excited and proud of MY GROWTH — take it just as it is. Be happy with me! I am so happy with the small group of people in my life, and for the first time, I am happy to be me.

2 Things Can Be True At The Same Time

1. You might support the People Pleaser having a boundary.

2. But you might also be John Doe.